on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
