he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
