My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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