I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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