you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
