I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?