Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.