Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.