I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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