He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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