That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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