bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just gift wrapped bread.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
