My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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