Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
