Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
