I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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