oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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