I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
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I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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