he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
