the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
