my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
