I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
did i just pee glitter
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
