how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
