I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
