So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
