Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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