oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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