If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
