make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
