I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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