I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
