New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
