I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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