if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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