Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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