This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
