I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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