You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
