Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My life is pants optional.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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