Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
