I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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