You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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