she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
