I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
