i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
