Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Send help, water and tortillas.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
