I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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