Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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