i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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