i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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