she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
