My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
