I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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