apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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