My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
