Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
