why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
