yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
