if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
