Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
