God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
