just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
